26/12/98
For so long I have wanted to write to you
about all that I'm going through, and now that
I am sitting beside you, I can't do it.

The tears that blur my eyes and choke my throat
won't let me tell you everything I'd like to tell you.

It is so unnatural to write you a letter.
I'm used to picking up the phone whenever
I need to and telling you everything. But now it is impossible.
The only thing I can do now is to come and weep in front of your gravestone and it is so unfair.

I want to be angry with you and I can't.
Angry because you said everything would be all right, that it's nothing serious.
Angry because you promised to be there when I needed you and now you aren't.
Angry because you left without saying goodbye.
But I cannot be angry. I believed you because I wanted to. I couldn't imagine the possibility of a world without you. I couldn't imagine a day I'd want to talk to you but wouldn't be able to. I can't be angry with you because I'm angry with myself, that I so wanted to believe you that I ignored everything else, how you said goodbye two weeks before, how you said "shalom" as if this was the last time we'd talk. And it really was.

I cried so much after we spoke. I couldn't bear it any longer. That someone so wonderful could suffer so much seemed a crime, and I didn't understand - why you, and then you said you were tired and we said goodbye for the last time over the phone.
You didn't even want me to come and see you. And maybe you did and just said "no"? I'm angry with myself for not insisting. For not demanding to come and see you. But what right did I have to do so?

My mother said that He always wants the young and the beautiful and the brave beside Him. So what! Enough! What sort of an excuse is that to take someone like you away from us? Why does he want you beside him when we need you here?

I still see you, the long, curly hair, that hesitant smile always at the corner of your mouth and your big eyes that always said the right thing.
I talk to you without thinking. Only after I tell you stories and ask you questions I do realize that you are no longer here. You will no longer be here.
Every time I see your parents, or Tal and Dafna, I realize what I refuse to realize when I'm on the Base.
And there's Zaza. I remember sitting with you outside on the steps and he began to jump on us. You told me how he bothers old "Kahalani" and when I saw how he returned each time you sent him away, I understood that he was sticking to the right person.

I have no more strength. You know. I hang on to this life as if this is all there is but I'm not sure anymore. The memories of you are so wonderful but so difficult.

Ya'aronet, I so wanted to tell you I love you and now I am writing it. I so wanted to thank you for all the times you were on the other side of the telephone line (or the classroom) when I needed you, and now I am thanking the gravestone.

I so want to tell you that no matter what, I will always remember you.
Girl, princess, I will always, always love you!
Amir.

Our princess
A year has gone by without you and in so many ways
time has stood still for all of us.
You float among us, present yet absent.
And each of us has memories of you.
And it is so hard to talk about you and memories
because you are with us each moment of the day.

You are among us with that wonderful calm that
almost no one could disturb.
Among us with your beautiful blue smiling eyes
that spoke of youth and innocence.
"Alpaca" eyes I used to call you.
Among us with your fragrant golden curls.
Among us with that small wise smile
playing about your lips.
With your kindness and way of speaking
that was special to you:
"What difference does it make…"
"It'll be alright…"
"Do me a favor…"

And your ability to explain each phenomenon
so rationally with that special tone in your voice.
And each time I would wonder how such a young girl
Could make such sense.

And your technical sense, you knew how to solve any problem,
Take things apart and put them together
And you didn't understand what was so amazing me,
And you'd smile a cheeky smile and say: "It's so simple".

And you'd type on the computer for all of us,
For Noah, Eran, Lior and for me.
And I remember how the words of the Education Department made you laugh.
And you asked me how they understood these bombastic words and if one couldn't use simpler words.

And make-up, how you loved to use make-up and your princess-face would shine with it…
You didn't have time to use the last eye shadow
I bought you.

And all of a sudden,
in a blossoming of a stunning beauty
and with no preparation,
you left us and I didn't say goodbye.
Our princess,
Ya'aronet, fairy tale child,
you are here and yet you aren't,
you are with us Ya'aronet,
but for us everything has changed.

Esti.